SPRING

Spring is already at the edge even though its existence seems swift. I almost thought that it was ready to bid goodbye without even saying hello. The heatwave a week ago was unexpected that I had to change my wardrobe in a day. There goes the thick jackets and jumpers, and hello blouses and skirts. And oh.. the cottony feel that I have missed the entire winter. So Yazid and I headed to Kmart one hot Monday morning after we sent the kids to school, to find an extra fan as the heat built up ferociously. We were shocked when the store helper said that the entire wall just stocked with fans were sold out in a matter of 2 days. We were lucky to find one at an Op shop, already disappointed earlier when we saw an old man carrying one as we were parking the car. But our luck, there was still one there waiting to be picked.

It has been a quick change, and out of a sudden, the heat turned to cold with heavy rains pouring the southern continent of Australia after it already hit the east coast. I ve heard from the news that the farmers in South Australia are being hard hit most as their crops that are ready to be harvested are destroyed, with losses as much as 2 billion dollars. And so, the soothing cold change is enjoyed with a tingle of guilt by most people, including me. Hoping that this would allow us breath a little longer before we embrace the coming summer which is predicted higher than last year's when the Black Saturday heat bent the railway tracks and killed many lives.

So many things have happened, and seasons go by...but too few made their way to this humble blog. A mother of three, student and a wanna be blogger, its seems quite too much to handle at times. But excuses shouldn't be in the way at all, that's what we hear but seldom listen to.

Ethics

Today I received the second comments for my Human Ethics Application for an interview I intend to conduc. I was so glad that the application was accepted for Expedited Review, or else it would take much longer. I have heard of so many frustrating stories about the application, a colleague had to amend for umpteen times before getting the approval. Alhamdulillah, after the second ammendment, I dont foresee anymore coming. The NEAF online form itself took ages to complete, there are 9 sections with such detailed questions that make you want to scream, if not puke. After a while of answering the questions that do not seem to end, you begin to ask yourself...."what exactly are they after???" They asked for such nitty gritty, you wonder what for. I spent about a week, in between other things of course, to complete the NEAF form. Before that, I have already spent a week or two formulating the Survey Questions and the Plain Language Statement, and other documents and forms. And I had to tick NO a long checklist to qualify for the Expedited Review that panels are among the university staff. Gosh...by the time I sent the stuffs to the Ethics Officer for our faculty, it had become a fat envelope. The first comment includes the NEAF form and my survey questions. They find that some questions were leading questions. There was a harsh comment regarding the NEAF. But funny enough, the comment was not meant for me, but for the past applications from the School of Architecture and Planning. It seems that they have noticed a pattern, a standard answers from the applications coming from A+B. It made me wonder why I was made the scapegoat to something I did not commit. Probably they think the comments will be picked up by the academic staff at A+B. But heyy..it spoilt my day reading that kinda comments. Then came the 2nd comments after I sent the 1st ammendment. This one was worst. There was a nasty, very cynical comment, and again pointing to the mistake of others. Why couldnt they state it kindly, anyway, how many times have we done this? I find that most of the academic staff here have not even submitted one. Weird as I need not make ammendment to that comment. But they still think my questions need to be more neutral. Ok, I accept that one. Huh, at last I am done with Ethics for meantime. Alhamdulillah.

Rough Sea of PhD

I can’t claim that I am smarter than the rest, or even more organized. But, I am pretty proud of myself as being a person who, with God’s graciousness of course, successfully complete most, if not all of my major attempted tasks. In fact, I have always set a challenge for myself to do so earlier than scheduled. I remember taking full credit hour of classes every semester and sparing some parts of summer for classes when many of my friends spent the whole summer for holidays. It’s a fulfilling experience when you get to complete the task earlier and “holidaying” after that felt more satisfying.

I guess having a mom who is always at my toe helped pushed me. Mom is a perfectionist and I seriously don’t know if it is a good or worthy trait to inherit. And the boss at the old workplace…known as Bandit for his working style. He would push me (and the rest of the team) to utmost limit as he nonchalantly changed project schedules to months earlier than what was scheduled. Arghh…we all suffered. In fact, all this anxiety had affected me with gastric pain, a problem that I dim-wittedly could not understand why I had. Leaving the old office had brought many benefits to my life, while my health gained the most.

I have thought that for the rest of my life, with God’s blessing again, of course, that any task would be accomplished if I invested the right amount of time, energy, focus, and a good road map. But for the first time of my life, I feel that it does not work that easily anymore. My experience doing a PhD has changed my whole perception about my theory and I was forced to step back and take a deep breath. After more than a year into my candidacy, I have tried almost everything that I was supposed to. I have read the literature, worked out the research framework, done preliminary data gathering, identify the variables, surveyed the literature again, reworked the framework, and on top of that, wrote a number of research proposals and searched high and low for research grants to support the studies. Gosh…I have done so many things, but how come I am still in troubled water? I feel that I am still gasping for air; it really feels like that…not exactly knowing where the tide would sweep me to. Thousands of questions linger in my mind, “am I doing the right thing?”, “will it take much longer than it should have?”, “am I on the right track?”, "will I ever complete this?"......

Sometimes, I would picture myself sitting at the end of the line, but somehow, the picture was not very clear. In the meantime, I would constantly remind myself to place my whole trust in Allah the Almighty to guide me through this period of uncertainty while I swim the rough sea of PhD.